FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is the only answer.
- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontiers. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 15 and 70, a man is like the USA : ruled by a dick…
I , the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into
everything I do. I do not get weekends or holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that< has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work eight hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned tasks. And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, "The Management"
Three tortoises, Nino, Gino and Pino, decide to go on a picnic. So Nino packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Nino unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Gino Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it, " says Gino. "I thought you packed it."
Nino gets worried, He turns to Pino, "Did you bring the bottle opener?
Naturally Pino didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Nino and Gino beg Pino to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Pino sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Nino and Gino are starving, but a promise is a promise .
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Pino pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!..I KNEW IT!..I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
A man goes to the library looking for a book about suicide
he says to the librarian "excuse me heve you have any books on sucide"
The librarian replies "No people dont bring them back."
a very drunk man walks up to a bartender, carrying a shotglass in his hand. he looks up to the bartender and says, " hey buddy, ill bet you 50$, that i could place this glass at the other end of the bar, and piss in it from this side."
the bartender looks at him, smiles, and figures, what the hell, ill take this chump for his fifty. "You got a deal" he says.
so the guy hops up on the bar, and starts pissing everywhere. on the bar, the stools, the customers, and even the bartender himself. but nowhere near the shotglass.
"HA! the bartender exclaims, with a huge grin on his face, " wheres my fifty bucks?"
"hold on a sec, " the guy says, " i got to get it from my friends. I bet them 500$ that i could piss all over you, your bar, and your customers, while you smile like a jackass, and not kick me out."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer!" and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
One day a mother is cleaning her son's room and comes across a stash of hard core S&M magazines. She calls her husband and as they gaze at the depravity says "we will have to punish him for this I mean I like to think I'm broadminded but this stuff is awful, what do you think?"
"well, I don't think spanking him's going to help!!" answers her husband.
a white man got a tatoo on his knob that said his wifes name "wendy" when he had an erection. however, when he didnt it said "wy". he and his wive went to a nudist beach in jamaica that summer to show off the tatoo. the man goes to the bar to get some drinks. he notices that the afro carribean bar tender also has a tatoo on his penis that says "wy". the man asks.. is your wife called wendy too? ... the bar tender replies "nah man. myn sayz "welcom to jamaica. i hope you enjoy your stay.""
I went to a zoo last week.
The only animal they had was a dog.
It was a shitzu.
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender tells him, "You can't have that dog in here, please take him back to your car or house or whatever" The man tells him, "You wouldn't deprive a blind man of his seeing eye dog, would you?" The bartender replies, "sorry, I didn't realize you were blind" and brings the man a beer. A few minutes later, another man walks in with a chihuahua. The first man tells him "You better tell the bartender that he's your seeing eye dog, or else you'll have leave" Once again, the bartender tells him you can't have that dog in here, please take him out" so, the second man says"This is my seeing eye dog". Now, the bartender is furious and yells "Hey, they don't use chihuahuas for seeing eye dogs!" The man replies, "WHAT, THEY GAVE ME A FUCKING CHIHUAHUA, THOSE BASTARDS?!"
This Man was walking down the street and he looks down the street and coming at him is this cheese log. "Sweet!" He said. He picks it up and takes it home to his wife. He says "Honey, look what I found! Serve it up for dinner!" She said "Wow what kind of cheese is it?" The man said, "I believe it's Nacho cheese, dear." His wife said, "What makes you think that?" The man said, "Because the whole way home a boy was yelling at me, "That's Nacho Cheese! That's Not Yo Cheese!"
An ostrich a zebra and a giraffe walk into a pub, the ostrich orders a round of beer, after drinking his the zebra drops dead, the other two go to walk out, the barman shouts at the animals; "Hey what the fuck?? youre not leaving that lyin there!!!" The giraffe turns around and says, "Its a Fucking zebra, moron! "
He is so stupid that he keeps a coat hanger on his backseat in case he locks his keys in his car!
AN ENGLISHMAN, IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN WALK INTO A BAR, THE BARTENDER SHOUTS "WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKIN JOKE"
What type of bee produces milk?
Boo-bees!!
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!
how do u make ur girlfriend cry during sex??
Phone her!!
WHATS THE DIFFERENC BETWEEN A MALE BLOND AND A FEMALE BLOND
THE FEMALE BLOND HAS A HIGHER SPERM COUNT MORE JOKES
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